Ventilation

I’m in really a dire need of rescue, as I still feel a some small hope of life inside this carcass. Hard to believe but need to accept that my such a agile body has now become just a shell; rest of all degraded in a blink of time when my gray matter soiled itself without letting itself a second chance to rejuvenate.

Yes, I mean I am completely digested, dissolved and hence not an excitable one now, I am spiritually dead. As cold as snow and as weightless as a cotton ball, no density no weight, yes but occupying a very important space on this earth.

My idea used to be a freaky one, now became so volatile, a bitterly truth: I became obsolete. I want to measure my vitality, if it still present in this still corpse; nobody has time to help me measure its potentiality. But you know well, if your tenure-ship hasn’t been turn like my function here became, so short lived, so helpless.

So, please tell me if I am ratinale enough to ask you to revitalize my strength, my freshness and my lively life. Again I doubt your durability if you also played like me, full fledge with full sincerity who failed to realize that one day he will be fuel-less to sustain a single more day, let’s forget about the quick machinery power that he used to be. I hope you are the same god that was detailed in the fairy tale we used to listen to in our childhood, so powerful, supreme yet so kind.So, if you are the same one please, let me be in my own position, in my own territory.

Nobody, even you may be unable to regrant me the life, but people say I am live, not dead. Curse is so secret, only known to you and me. I know because I have realized it and you know because I am confessing my secret death to you.

When death will be encroaching slowly to grip my throat, unsatisfied me with this worldly pleasures and pain and suffocation, unwanted I will pray and asks for more life, more moments and more desires to strive for, for unknown destiny to look for, unexplored and unexperienced path to look for. Every-time the same emptiness and the same weightlessness will knock the veil of my ignorance and repetitively ask to the inner chaos personality what would be the fate of my life?what would be the significance I would made in others life or mine? This will not be the one time phenomenon but of multitude. Several times I will ask to myself because I am so sure that I will not get the answers to the basic truth turned enigmatic questions.

Even a minute creature wants to get rebirth despite all those sufferings and pain in the previous life, despite those hatred, betrays and separations and even my fellow humans with unquenchable desires, unaddressable queries, they want to have birth again in this filthy world, a world of selfish, materialism and ego. However the story I want to write is different. I am extinguished. I am as cold as stone. I am corpse and hence desire-less, selfless, without any destiny. Even if my desires are infinity, my destiny smothered, my vision shattered, my heart displaced and screwed, I would love not even to rejuvenate, the matter of rebirth in this regard is even far fledged mystery.

Why am I so alone even with this magnanimous group of people? Why am I so empty even with this worldly accomplishments, with these grades and successes, with these wounds? Nobody has time to answer these questions. I know nobody has time even for themselves. Even I didn't try to analyse and answer these questions of my own. I only get panic with these confusions. Every time whenever I try to analyse the whole scenario, skyrocketing anxiety always overwhelms me. It drowns me in the vast ocean of perplexity, and uncertainty and chaos.

Who is there to answer this riddle, solve the problems, open this box of pandora’s? Everyone is so confused. They need path finder. A watchman.A guard. A light house. Though imaginary, because I don’t believe in god, in fact, I have choosen you as the one. As my shepard. I will vent every misery to you whether you will be there to hear me or not, analyse me or not, let you know my every secrecy whether you are trustworthy or not, believe me or not. I will not believe you but still I will rely on you as my friend, as my inner self to share every sweet and bitter truth to you.