Borderline Personality

The day began as usual routine. I wake at same time at 8 0’clock in the morning. Shashi reminded me the bygones day, we went together for the breakfast in the optometry canteen. Latter, the young man Roshan came by and we talked bit longer. We talked for the future. We analyse the possible way of dealing with the time for the Roshan. We recommended following the Kumar and Clark for the medicine, Bailey for the Surgery, Dutta for the Obstetrics, Shaw for the Gynaecology, Nelson for the paediatrics and the Macleod and the Hutchinson for the Clinical methods. Also we enlighten him with some extra- curricular activities like participating in some research activities, taking grant from the NHRC (I gave him the web address of the NHRC, focusing the address to be searched in small letters, i.e. nhrc instead of NHRC).

I was losing confidence for the following days. I was not sure of what and how to study for the rest of the days. I have eight days remaining. I am good at studies and that is for sure if I give appropriate thought and energy.

For the past few years, I am constantly losing my focus from studies.
I am enjoying rather in different areas. I can study and memories and analyse and apply the materials that I studied whether it be a clinical or the other. But the things are different in reality.

I am not confident of my clinical knowledge. I know the fact. I acknowledge the unconquerable fact that the new things are always there which I don’t know. Furthermore the USMLE type questions in step 2 are very tricky and the guy with fair good clinical knowledge and with good command in English can easily surpass the exam with good grades. I analyse the whole bunch of this story the whole day. Later only during the evening and the night, I have some insight on this matter and started to study in full fledge. I started to study from the very way which I used for the preparation of the Step 1.I am happy and have the feeling of satisfaction. At least at the time when I was typing this ‘my day’, I am happy. And why shouldn’t I be? There is no reason to feel the blue.

I had a terrible chat during the afternoon before afternoon meal with Alica (name changed). I like her and she knows it. She recently broke up. She is in despair. She needs support and I want to provide her because she is very sweet and kind. I approached her in the past for some pass time relation but she denied very kindly and prudently. I am not sure of any serious relationship with her in future but inadvertently I proposed her which in Roshan dears’ language is very predictable move from my side in this situation. I am always like that. I have very cheap moves. I give girls false hope. Roshan use to say, no girls ever believe in my hopes. I gave them hope of marriage and the security which inevitably bound to come along with.

I can’t help myself in the relationships. I always have tremulous relations. I cannot help myself withheld from the relation even for the moment. I am aggressive and in hurry to make or break the relation. A perfect example of Borderline personality disorder, I came to know this from the psychiatry. I want to have stable relation. For that I have to put my self esteem and integrity at edge. I unconsciously give hope of security and stability in the relation by putting my demands as a marriage proposal. Well, but Roshan sees the things differently. He says or rather I love to express it in different way that he beautifies the poison and presents to me without hurting my ego. The sexual desires of mine took Avatar in the form of marriage proposal. I want to have sex with girls. Girls would never let you touch without any commitment. If you give the false hope of commitment, girls will open up as easily as a library book. I heard that if you propose for the marriage, you will be laid easily. I heard it from Joseph (name changed), one of the pioneers in this field. But, I am not a guy with hot weapon all the time. I have different developmental and psychological background. I always wanted stable relation. I don’t want to feel the feeling of isolation and destitution. Many of the times I was betrayed in relations. I never wanted them to be. But I suffered. I didn’t have motives of having only sex with the girls  (even if I did that was not a wrong, I am straight by the way :)) when I really wanted to have them to be my stable partners.

I really wanted to marry some of them. Its different story, and I am not the Napoleon to win every war. I search for the stable relation. Every dawn follows the bright day. Every cold night will be forgotten the next day, upon the rise of beautiful sun, to start afresh a whole new life.